I Decided...Part 1

Lol...there is not part 2, but I jus wanted 2 say that cuz of the obvious lol.  But anyhoo...I decided. And I decided that I want him in mah life.  I jus can't be without him.  And I kno it sounds crazy for someone so young and all that he has put me thru. But, I guess that wen you kno...you kno.  And if anyone has ANYTHING to say about it. Well...they can talk 2 themselves, cuz I ain't hearing it.  Yes and I think needless 2 say, if he screws up again it WILL be it.  And I mean that with tha utmost. And I think he understands that better than anyone.  It didn't take long at all 4 him 2 change it around.  I definitely notice it.  And it's crazy cuz he's still where he is and I'm still here, but jus talkin 2 him, I can tell.  But, all I can do is w8 and see.  I think he gets it this time.  Cuz there was a point wen I was definitely like, "No, I'm done." I guess thas wat scared him ish-less.  And thas wen he went on that whole drinkin binge.  And even after that, I was kinda like I don't really want this anymore.  But, it came 2 me so clear one day.  I think listening to a Keri Hilson song, "Where Did He Go?" In the song she talks about how she made a mistake in letting him go and she had to deal with that decision years later and now she's missing him.  I didn't want that to be me.  I can't let that be me.  Cuz regardless of the bull.  I kno wat I felt and I kno wat was real.  I kno that our love was without a doubt, real! So, yea...I decided.  And even tho we're not technically together, he's still mah heart.  The very piece that completes me.  I love him...more than that simple 3 worded phrase cud ever express. He is mah all.

Umm...besides that. Still very much saved and in love with God...FIRST AND FOREMOST.  I think that the breakup allowed me to become much closer to Him.  I don't wanna leave him out of my life anymore.  Thas wen things start to go wrong.  But, yea...I definitely don't have the urge 2 jus WANNA go party and drink or wateva else.  I'm so very over that.  For those who party, more power to you.  Not knocking it for you, it jus ain't for me!

I'm in love with mah life right now.  Not very many ppl can say that.  Most are fronting like they are really happy, but they're hiding it with something else.  I can genuinely say that I am content with mah life.  With the homebody that I am and not needing anything else than wat I have! In a few more months, mah love will be able 2 move up here with me for good, I'm trusting and believing in God to make this happen in the music industry for me, and me and mah ma are closer than ever.  It's a great time 4 me.  And I kno that it will only continue to go up! yep!!

To BE...Mrs. Amillie.

Always and forever. Ain't no one takin that from me!

::sighs::

It's bout time for me 2 blog again..had 2 get these emotions out!

Soooo...update on the bf...or I mean ex.  It's still so hard saying that.  It feels wrong being single.  Not bcuz I don't like bein single or anything like that. I was a single girl 4 a WHILE and I loved it.  But, bcuz I didn't wanna be single.  I wanted us 4eva.  4eva...but I'm single and even tho its hard 2 say it...he is ex. So with that sed...I've talked 2 him three times since we've broken up.  The first time was the day after.  But, it hasn't even been like that.  His frenz had 2 call me so that I cud calm him down bcuz he was so drunk one day and actin crazy.  And mind you, he duz'n drink.  But, he was so drunk that he was talkin 2 me and kept sayin it wasn't me.  When he finally realized it was me I had 2 ask him wat his deal was cuz thas not him.  He told me he been drinkin ever since the day we broke up.  For a WEEK and a half! Okay...real mature way 2 go about this.  Suppose 2 be gettin  ur ish 2gether and this is how you do it?? He sed I was right and he was gonna do better.  Hopefully...and then I was txt'n him yesterday.  I jus miss him like crazy right now and I'm so proud that I didn't give in yet.

But on that note.  And I kno that mah fren means well but the thing that keeps irritating me is wen I tell her that I miss him and love him she'll say, "Well don't rush it, give yourself time...don't let love blind you."

????????

UGH!  I knoooo she means well, I do.  But, we've already had this discussion.  And if love was blinding me then I would STILL be with him.  And about giving it time? Well wat exactly is it that you think I'm doin right now.  I can't love him and miss him?? Duh...if I loved him and missed him while we were 2gether, how much more do you think I miss him now??? It's rly starting 2 irritate me bcuz ppl's opinions of wat I should do is more than I can handle.  It's like I already gotta think about mah decision and then on top of that I have 2 worry about YOU and wat you think I shud do.  And I guess wat makes me so mad about her sayin that everytime is that I KNO wat she thinks I shud do.  Everyone is so set on me jus sayin I'm not gonna be with him.  WHY??? It is not ur relationship and it is NOT you who was hurt.  If I, myself am thinking about what I should or shouldn't do then you should be thinking the same.  Actually you shouldn't be thinkin about it at all cuz it is not you or your relationship or your life.  I never try 2 make decisions for mah frenz. NEVER..why do they always seem 2 want 2 regulate mine? 

I shud'n say they...I guess I'm jus venting right now.

::sighs::

Sorry...well on a better note. I am now officially a part of GOODLIFE CO.  Still tryna figure out if I wanna do the whole singer/ songwriter thing or jus the songwriter thing.  I dunno.  I went in it thinkin that I JUS wanna write.  But I keep leaning to doing both.  We'll see wat God has 4 me.  I'm jus so excited.  Can't wait until I record this song I wrote the other day.  It's a banger.  Swear it...lol!

Well...thas it I guess!

{to be or not to be....Mrs. Amillie???}

Lighten up...pleez!

Some ppl dnt kno how 2 take things 4 wat they are.  If you happen 2 write sumthing about YOUR life and how ur tryna make YOURSELF better, they take it personally.  I honestly don't get that at all...wateva.  I have enuff goin on in my life than 2 sit up and make sure that wat I say duz'n offend this person or that person.  It's tiring.  

Wateva...

I'm currently single.  Not sure if we'll get back 2gether cuz tha decision is ultimately mine 2 make.  I love him...so very much.  He is tha only guy I've eva loved in this way...but he's gotta get it 2getha.  Maybe I do too...and thas wat tha purpose of this break-up is.  To give myself time 2 think and hopefully it'll give him time 2 mature.  He says that he's gonna prove it 2 me...get his ish 2getha.  One can only hope, right?

Anyway...I'm still saved...I think that if I hadn't rededicated my life back 2 God that Sunday, then this jus wud'a been so much harder 2 deal with.  I think I wud have literally been depressed.  I'm goin out wit tha wifey on her b-day.  This will be interesting seeing as I'm not gonna drink and we really don't even party like that anymore...so...we'll see.  I kno I'll have fun...I jus don't kno how it is 2 be around my frenz wen they're drunk and I'm not lol.  

I think all in all...I see a lot of growth in myself.  I learned not 2 tell everybody everything.  I learned not 2 sit up and baby everyone...cuz I'm not AlWAYS in tha wrong...I'm learning that I'm the most important person in mah life.  I do a lot for everyone and sumtimes 4get about myself.  I think this break-up cud'n have come at a better time.  And don't get me wrong. I'm sadder than that thang right now.  I'll prolly cry everyday 4 tha next month {thas tha deadline I'm giving myself} and I'll miss him like crazy....but it's wat I gotta do.  It jus it...gotta look out 4 Cristal.  Love is...on tha back burner right now.  Not tha most important thing so...thas it.  

Take it 4 wat it is....or don't.  Either way...I'ma be me!

Cristal

{to be...or not 2 be--Mrs. Amillie???}

A New Me!

I suddenly realized that mah life was headed in a wrong direction.  And it's a sad realization, but I came 2 it none the less.  Partying, drinkin and wateva else.  And I've wanted 2 change...jus didn't wanna give it up.  Wateva "it" is....But on Sunday @ church...it jus hit me.  The message was 2 me!  I've changed.  And it's not 4 tha better.  Not one bit.  Partying is fun.  Drinkin is fun.  But it's tha same thing.  Fun for a moment and then I'm wondering tha nxt day why I did it.  I had 2 realize there was something more than jus having fun FOR THA MOMENT!!  Wat about where I go after i leave here?? Wat kind of impression or legacy am I leaving? A girl who parties and drinks simply 2 feel good 4 tha moment.  Wats that about?? Not much at all.  I gotta be a role model.  Gotta do something different.  Cuz trust and believe there are a billion and one more girls AND guys out there doin tha exact same thing.  And wat exactly duz that say about me??? That i'm follower.  I sit and think all tha time about how me and mah frenz wud go out and have way more fun wen we didn't even have one drop of liquor.  And now it seems like thas needed in order 2 have a good time.  It's so pointless cuz there's always words spoken that you didn't mean or something dumb that happens and you gotta apologize for it l8r on.  It's jus not cool.  

I'm jus sick of tha repetition.  There's gotta be something more 2 life.  Never mind tha fact that I'm getting older.  And I kno some will say, "We're young...we're having fun." But, there have been ppl in mah life that are tha same age as me and gone from here. It's not like they lived a hard life in tha streets...jus regular kids like me! And they're gone.  That cud have jus as easily been me.  And I kno 4 a fact that I wud not have gone 2 Heaven.  No matter how much church I went 2 or dancing 4 tha praise dance team, singing in tha choir...I kno I wud'n have went.  Bcuz...I wasn't living tha life of a Christian.  Or shud I say "living Christ-like" cuz everybody's a Christian now-a-days.  

There comes a point where there's GOTTA BE a separation.  And it may get lonely.  As of right now I can't say bcuz I haven't gotten that far, but I kno it'll get hard.  Frenz may not call me as much bcuz they think I'll be different or no fun.  But, thas sometimes wat it comes down 2.  Hopefully mah frenz aren't that way and will be supportive and not get mad cuz I don't wanna drink. Hopefully they'll say I'm taking tha grown-up approach 2 life.  And maybe they'll follow suit...maybe.  All I can speak 4 is me and that Cristal from Saturday is not tha Cristal I wish 2 be anymore.  I'm a new me! And I'm loving every minute of it.

F THIS!!!

I'm dun!

Girl Wud YOU?!?!?

So me and Free have been dealin with his bitter ex since we became an issue. I won't even go thru all tha details bcuz it iz theee longest story. But, she won't get over it and she always comes at me so randomly makin up stories about how she's still wit him and all this otha jazz that I'm suppose 2 believe. Tha girl is jus plain full of it. It's like come on now. Ur there, I'm here...if he was really with you then why wud he be workin so hard at bein with someone who is not even in his area code??? come on now...let's jus be real. At any other point in mah relationship I'da believed every lie she told me and broke up with Free in 2 seconds, but we've been here so many times b4 it's jus so very obvious that she's jus a bitter bi**h {for lack of a better word lol}. I jus want her to get over it. So here's tha new scenario:

I'm layin in bed...jus woke up from takin a nap on like tha only day off I've had in like 3 weeks {excludin Sundays of course...lol} and mah fone rings and I look and it reads number unavailable. So, of course I'm all wondering who it iz and I answer and they hang right up. So wateva...but of course I'm wondering who it is, right ;-). But, then I get a text from mah baby tellin me not 2 answer any private calls cuz its her...he jus saw her and they got n2 it. So, of course 1st question comin 2 mah mind is how this psycho chic got mah number. Well, apparently someone asked to use his phone and wen he wasn't payin attention they ran off and gave it 2 her. So mah next question, which I'm sure ur asking urself at this very moment is , "Who wud do sum'n like that?" Or sumwhere along those lines of course, lol. So, he tells me it was one of her frenz who he felt like she was up 2 sum'n but didn't pay much attention 2 it...he didn't even kno his ex was there until ole girl ran off with his fone.

::picture mah face right nah::

I mean, I wasn't mad at him, its jus like...come on now bae. U obviously felt she was bein sneaky but u still gave her tha fone. Watta dummy move, right? I mean, it cud have all been avoided...but it is wat it is. U did sum'n stupid...I like had no words...but he apologized of course. Lol....but needless 2 say chic has been callin non-stop. She called me SEVENTEEN times--BACK 2 BACK {and still call'n...mah fone jus rang again...lol}. But, it's like...GIRL??? Please get ova it. He duz'n want you anymore. I mean...I can understand why.

One: You're psycho

Two: I look waaaaaay better than you and mah body??? come on now...no comparison

Three: We're IN LOVE!!!! Geeesh...get ova it. plz!

I jus think it's all so very high school. And tha sad part about it is that even wen I was in high school i wud'a neva dun no immature crap like this. She's like frikkin 12...come on now. All I can say is...

Girl....WUD YOU?!?!?

No More Confusion...

So this is where I'm @...umm. I guess having this whole long distance relationship thing, I get a lil lonely. Obviously. I mean I can go out with mah girls but there is nothing like having tha company of someone from tha opposite sex. And I love Free! And tha only person I eva wanna be with is him, but since our situations don't allow us that wen we wud like, I'm left...alone. Now...I still have a lot of bad girl tendencies. As much as I wud like 2 say I've passed that one...yea...not so much. I end up putting mahself in situations around other guys that I know I shud'n be around. Like a 1st love ex...or a guy that states everytime he sees me that he wants to be with me. I kno...silly girl, I am. I'm sorry...I get bored. =( Not excusable, I kno...but it's tha truth. I mean....I didn't go all tha way with 1st love ex...but...well...he did. ;-) BAD GIRL! ::sighs:: Needless 2 say...I WILL NOT be goin around him anymore. Cuz, he's a lot stronger than me...and Lord knows I don't need any more of that. Wellllll...ok. No, I don't. LOL

Then there's...P. Weed {this name is f'n hilarious 2 me, but it fits him so much}. But, he like really wants 2 wife me. Like, I met this dude at a club like over two years ago. And at first he seemed like he wud be different, you kno? So, I thot that wud go somewhere. very obviously, it didn't. Cuz he's a dumb boy...and boys will be--well...boys! But he started acting different. {guess he got a girl...which wasn't a big thing 2 me cuz then I started back with Arkansas {ugh...can't stand this boy...beside tha point tho lol}. But, now I'm like all in love and he'll see mah status updates that I write about mah baby and then all of a sudden you wanna come back around??? Well, at first I wasn't giving him tha time of day. But, then mah sill a** decided I wanted 2 have a best guy fren???? I kno, right? But, I don't kno how I thot this wud work since he's never expressed a desire 4 frenship with me...once! It's always, "F ur man! U need 2 get wit me.." or somwhere along those lines! But, one VERY DRUNK NIGHT..I kissed him @ tha club. I felt terrible, but duh!!! I blamed it on tha alcohol...and nooooo I did not tell Free. U think I'm crazy? lol...but this Friday...I went 2 see him and we jus talked 4 a while and then...well..we kissed again. I never go 2 far...well I guess wat I did with 1st love ex was a lil far {well..wat he did 2 me}! But, honestly...I feel terrible.

I will NEVER tell Free about this...I jus can't. I needed 2 get that out tho. I don't think I even told Wifey...cuz she will kill me. LOL! I guess she'll know now, huh?

Well...very needless 2 say...I'm content now. I chose 2 be in a long distance relationship and thas how it's gonna be until he moves up here for good. Goodness I can't w8...this is harder than I thot...lol ;-) But, I love Free and no one will change that...So. I am no longer confused. I'm good...no more bad girl ways.

PROMISE!!

~Mrs. Amillie~