I convinced myself that I was fine. The tears streaming down my face lets me know...I'm so clearly not!! When does this go away?? When does it stop hurting?? When will I stop crying? Stop caring?? WHEN?! I didn't do things right...I should have made a clean cut, instead I let him stay in my life. Maybe hoping. Maybe. I guess it's still that part of me that hopes he'll realize. And now I feel more than stupid that I bought him that gift & actually sent it. I know who he's talking to again. Smh...all it takes are those little comments on FB to see who wants to be noticed. "Look at me commenting on his stats again. Yeah we're talking again."

And it's as easy as that. Enough to send me right back to day one. Crying & carrying on. This is depressing, I know. But the only way I know how to get this out. I haven't contacted him since Sunday. That convo was it for me. Let me know just how over we were. His logic...astounding. shouldn't surprise me yet somehow it did. And pissed me off. But enough to finally say eff it. Move on little girl. But even the strongest Cristal can't take picturing him with someone else. Even my strongest self can't comprehend how it was all lie. A complete lie. And so I break down. Like it just happened to me minutes ago instead of weeks ago. The journal entry from the other day was a compilation of entries that first week. But this...this is all brand new. All me at this moment. And I wish it wasn't. Wish I didn't have to cry to myself & go out and pretend that I'm okay.

This is the worst time. His bday on Friday & I was supposed to be there with him. No doubt I'm gonna need the distractions that are taking place this weekend. But I wish I didn't need a distraction. That none of this was real. But my wishes never come true. Evident by the fact that I'm not with him. I just wanna cry one last time. But I know there will be many more nights like this one.

And that...is the worst realization.

-Crisi-