In Time.

5 weeks ago I had my heart broken by the one guy I thought never would. And today, while I'm still not over it, I'm actually better. And to think that just a week ago I was crying my heart out. Heartbreak is awful, worst kind of pain. Nothing you can do to rid that pain. No vicodin. No percocet. Nothing. Just pain...but all it takes is a little time.

Time.

It heals all wounds. No matter how big or how small. The bigger the wound, the more time it takes. But the end result is still the same.

Healed.

Better.

All that's left is the scar that wound left behind. The pain is gone. The messy scab that u picked at over and over and over again until you finally just let go and let nature do what it does best is no longer there. All that's left is the smoothness of your skin as if nothing happened.

And let's be honest, some wounds heal better than others. Some may not even leave a scar while others leave a constant reminder of who, what, when and where (never why).

But I wouldn't trade my scar for the world. It just reminds me of who I am. That I love hard. And I will never change that about me no matter how many times I bleed love.

Because the thing is, that over time, that wound healed.

Yes, it hurt like hell (for lack of a better word). And in that moment you felt like you would never feel anything else but the pain you felt right then. You couldn't see past the tears and the heaving. You just didn't see how it would ever heal. You threw a bandaid on it to cover it up; act as if it wasn't there. If no one else could see it maybe it didn't exist. Put on a brave front. I'm a big girl and I've got a life that still needs to be lived so no one can see me cry. But it still hurt like hell and you still cried. But as the tears subsided and your breathing calmed, you realized that it doesn't hurt so much anymore. And, in fact, it hurt a little less each day. And somedays you would pick at it, peel the scab a little too early and it hurt again and it bled again. And maybe this time you would cry some more...but it was nowhere near like that initial hurt. Yeah, it still hurt but not like before.  So then you finally decided to just let it heal. Stop picking at it so it has to start the healing process all over again & just let it be.

Just...let it...be.

And so you did. And as time went on you forgot you even had a wound to begin with until you look down and see the scar that's left behind. The only proof you have that says you went through this painful ordeal.

Then you think to yourself (sometimes, even to someone else) and say "Oh I remember when I got this scar..." And you realize that even with all the tears that little obscure scar caused, you're still standing. Still fighting. Still hopeful. Still...loving.

It's just a war wound. Another scar on your heart that will have a story behind it when you will tell it to the one who was actually MEANT for your heart. Another reason that you're as strong as you are now. Another building block...stepping stone...to the YOU that you are at this very moment. It's a badge of honor that you wear proudly and say "I never gave up. Even when it made sense to just throw in the towel, I still fought."

And fought you did. And now, you're a winner.

And while I may not personally be at the point where I'm completely healed because I just finally stopped picking at the scab...I am in a better place. And all it took was a little time.

It's cliche. But that's the thing about a cliche...they're always true in what they mean. Time, does in fact, heal all wounds. And while there may not be a cure for a broken heart just as there is no cure for the common cold, the best medicine you could give yourself is the same as for that cold...time.

5 weeks ago I had my heart broken by the one guy that I never thought would. 5 weeks later.  I'm still standing.

Still fighting.

Still hopeful.

Still...loving.

And even though I didn't think I would be able to breathe again, eat again, sleep again...I am. And I have. And all it took was a little time. And soon I'll be just as happy as I was before. Healed and all. Yes, soon I'll be me again.

But for now I just look at that wound and smile because I know one day it'll be a distant memory. A constant reminder that I never changed who I was for anyone. And I will soon have what I want. What I deserve.

It will heal.

I will heal.

In time.

I convinced myself that I was fine. The tears streaming down my face lets me know...I'm so clearly not!! When does this go away?? When does it stop hurting?? When will I stop crying? Stop caring?? WHEN?! I didn't do things right...I should have made a clean cut, instead I let him stay in my life. Maybe hoping. Maybe. I guess it's still that part of me that hopes he'll realize. And now I feel more than stupid that I bought him that gift & actually sent it. I know who he's talking to again. Smh...all it takes are those little comments on FB to see who wants to be noticed. "Look at me commenting on his stats again. Yeah we're talking again."

And it's as easy as that. Enough to send me right back to day one. Crying & carrying on. This is depressing, I know. But the only way I know how to get this out. I haven't contacted him since Sunday. That convo was it for me. Let me know just how over we were. His logic...astounding. shouldn't surprise me yet somehow it did. And pissed me off. But enough to finally say eff it. Move on little girl. But even the strongest Cristal can't take picturing him with someone else. Even my strongest self can't comprehend how it was all lie. A complete lie. And so I break down. Like it just happened to me minutes ago instead of weeks ago. The journal entry from the other day was a compilation of entries that first week. But this...this is all brand new. All me at this moment. And I wish it wasn't. Wish I didn't have to cry to myself & go out and pretend that I'm okay.

This is the worst time. His bday on Friday & I was supposed to be there with him. No doubt I'm gonna need the distractions that are taking place this weekend. But I wish I didn't need a distraction. That none of this was real. But my wishes never come true. Evident by the fact that I'm not with him. I just wanna cry one last time. But I know there will be many more nights like this one.

And that...is the worst realization.

-Crisi-

Broken.

Been gone for a really long time & so much has changed. But really just using this because I know none of my friends look at this anymore & I can get it all out sort of like my own journal since my laptop wants to act a fool.

Anywho...so here it is. I see that the last person I talked about was my long distance ex & since him I've stayed single. Yes there were guys & yes there were disappointments. But nothing I couldn't handle or get over. Then last year I decided enough was enough. Became celibate again & I was dedicated to God. Went into basic training for the air force & was finally on the right track with my life. But then I went to tech school at the beginning of the year & just had to be a guy who I knew I should stay away from but he wouldn't let me be. Was there everywhere I went & trying to get me...so I finally gave in. And I was happy. We were happy. They say don't start anything in tech school because it won't last & for the longest time whenever he'd ask i'd just say that I knew whatever we were was ending when I left ft sam. Then...we decided to make it work. Second mistake. The first was letting him in.

It only took 2 weeks for him to decide he didn't feel the same about me. Just two. How's that for self esteem, huh? That conversation...I can't even begin to describe how it went down. All I know is I felt hurt...betrayed...confused. how could you not even try? How?? You said you wanted this..and he did, he says. But if that were the case then why did it only take me leaving his sight to feel differently?

And now, here I am.

Broken...beyond repair.

This ending has broken me way more than I already have been. But no, I was healing. I was doing better. He was that patient preservationist who came in and piece by piece started to put me back together again. And for once, I felt loved (or what I thought was love), and I felt necessary, and I felt enough. FOR ONCE! But then he just had his fill. Got tired of putting the pieces back together I guess. It wasn't as much fun as before. It didn't bring the same joy it had before so he just...stopped.

Stopped trying, stopped caring. And got up and walked away. But not before he threw me on the ground and shattered me anew. And isn't that worse than before? Isn't it worse to re-break something (someone) than it is to continually break something that's just been broken? Does that make sense? Because when you start to fix something, then you shatter it again, it isn't just the old pieces you have to deal with, there are new fragments left behind now. Now what was broken before is in a million pieces when it was only thousands before. Now you've made things worse...way worse than it was before. And how can it be put back together now? Who would want to? That's too much work, too much patience to have. And who has that kind of patience these days? No one, I'm sure. Because, if the one person who had the patience to put a thousand pieces together gave up, certainly no one in their right mind would piece together such a mess.

I honestly never knew it could be so hard to get over a person. My everyday is filled with moments when I close my eyes and have a flashback of us. Or just sitting as someone talks to me and his face flashes before my eyes. I dream about him when that's the last thing I wanna do. I can't escape him no matter what I do.

And I try to make sense of this. But it doesn't & it never will. Because what we were...was greatness. And who just let's go of greatness?? What fool decides that "Oh this is amazing, but let me throw it away." ????

When will guys realize that throwing away GREATNESS in search of something greater will only lead to MEDIOCRITY?!

This...hurts. And there is no other term to describe it. It just...hurts. And I know one day I'll be fine. It's been like 3 weeks now & I'm doing so much better than day 1. Of course. It's a process & I will heal..eventually.

I just hope to be okay. And I know that sounds silly. Who wants to just be okay? But when you're heartbroken, even being "ok" seems like the hardest task. Just waking up & getting out of the bed seems to be the hardest thing you can think of. And just being okay doesn't even seem conceivable. But okay is on the way to being happy. And when you wake up and finally feel okay you know that down the road you'll meet up with happy somewhere. You'll see it & you'll catch up on times you've missed as if you've never lost a beat.

And one day I'll wake up. And it won't be so hard. I'll be able to look at his picture & maybe get sad when I think of what we used to be but not a heartbreaking sad just a sadness of loss. And then I'll feel...okay. And I'll smile because I know...

Happy is on the way.

-Crisi-

I Decided...Part 1

Lol...there is not part 2, but I jus wanted 2 say that cuz of the obvious lol.  But anyhoo...I decided. And I decided that I want him in mah life.  I jus can't be without him.  And I kno it sounds crazy for someone so young and all that he has put me thru. But, I guess that wen you kno...you kno.  And if anyone has ANYTHING to say about it. Well...they can talk 2 themselves, cuz I ain't hearing it.  Yes and I think needless 2 say, if he screws up again it WILL be it.  And I mean that with tha utmost. And I think he understands that better than anyone.  It didn't take long at all 4 him 2 change it around.  I definitely notice it.  And it's crazy cuz he's still where he is and I'm still here, but jus talkin 2 him, I can tell.  But, all I can do is w8 and see.  I think he gets it this time.  Cuz there was a point wen I was definitely like, "No, I'm done." I guess thas wat scared him ish-less.  And thas wen he went on that whole drinkin binge.  And even after that, I was kinda like I don't really want this anymore.  But, it came 2 me so clear one day.  I think listening to a Keri Hilson song, "Where Did He Go?" In the song she talks about how she made a mistake in letting him go and she had to deal with that decision years later and now she's missing him.  I didn't want that to be me.  I can't let that be me.  Cuz regardless of the bull.  I kno wat I felt and I kno wat was real.  I kno that our love was without a doubt, real! So, yea...I decided.  And even tho we're not technically together, he's still mah heart.  The very piece that completes me.  I love him...more than that simple 3 worded phrase cud ever express. He is mah all.

Umm...besides that. Still very much saved and in love with God...FIRST AND FOREMOST.  I think that the breakup allowed me to become much closer to Him.  I don't wanna leave him out of my life anymore.  Thas wen things start to go wrong.  But, yea...I definitely don't have the urge 2 jus WANNA go party and drink or wateva else.  I'm so very over that.  For those who party, more power to you.  Not knocking it for you, it jus ain't for me!

I'm in love with mah life right now.  Not very many ppl can say that.  Most are fronting like they are really happy, but they're hiding it with something else.  I can genuinely say that I am content with mah life.  With the homebody that I am and not needing anything else than wat I have! In a few more months, mah love will be able 2 move up here with me for good, I'm trusting and believing in God to make this happen in the music industry for me, and me and mah ma are closer than ever.  It's a great time 4 me.  And I kno that it will only continue to go up! yep!!

To BE...Mrs. Amillie.

Always and forever. Ain't no one takin that from me!

::sighs::

It's bout time for me 2 blog again..had 2 get these emotions out!

Soooo...update on the bf...or I mean ex.  It's still so hard saying that.  It feels wrong being single.  Not bcuz I don't like bein single or anything like that. I was a single girl 4 a WHILE and I loved it.  But, bcuz I didn't wanna be single.  I wanted us 4eva.  4eva...but I'm single and even tho its hard 2 say it...he is ex. So with that sed...I've talked 2 him three times since we've broken up.  The first time was the day after.  But, it hasn't even been like that.  His frenz had 2 call me so that I cud calm him down bcuz he was so drunk one day and actin crazy.  And mind you, he duz'n drink.  But, he was so drunk that he was talkin 2 me and kept sayin it wasn't me.  When he finally realized it was me I had 2 ask him wat his deal was cuz thas not him.  He told me he been drinkin ever since the day we broke up.  For a WEEK and a half! Okay...real mature way 2 go about this.  Suppose 2 be gettin  ur ish 2gether and this is how you do it?? He sed I was right and he was gonna do better.  Hopefully...and then I was txt'n him yesterday.  I jus miss him like crazy right now and I'm so proud that I didn't give in yet.

But on that note.  And I kno that mah fren means well but the thing that keeps irritating me is wen I tell her that I miss him and love him she'll say, "Well don't rush it, give yourself time...don't let love blind you."

????????

UGH!  I knoooo she means well, I do.  But, we've already had this discussion.  And if love was blinding me then I would STILL be with him.  And about giving it time? Well wat exactly is it that you think I'm doin right now.  I can't love him and miss him?? Duh...if I loved him and missed him while we were 2gether, how much more do you think I miss him now??? It's rly starting 2 irritate me bcuz ppl's opinions of wat I should do is more than I can handle.  It's like I already gotta think about mah decision and then on top of that I have 2 worry about YOU and wat you think I shud do.  And I guess wat makes me so mad about her sayin that everytime is that I KNO wat she thinks I shud do.  Everyone is so set on me jus sayin I'm not gonna be with him.  WHY??? It is not ur relationship and it is NOT you who was hurt.  If I, myself am thinking about what I should or shouldn't do then you should be thinking the same.  Actually you shouldn't be thinkin about it at all cuz it is not you or your relationship or your life.  I never try 2 make decisions for mah frenz. NEVER..why do they always seem 2 want 2 regulate mine? 

I shud'n say they...I guess I'm jus venting right now.

::sighs::

Sorry...well on a better note. I am now officially a part of GOODLIFE CO.  Still tryna figure out if I wanna do the whole singer/ songwriter thing or jus the songwriter thing.  I dunno.  I went in it thinkin that I JUS wanna write.  But I keep leaning to doing both.  We'll see wat God has 4 me.  I'm jus so excited.  Can't wait until I record this song I wrote the other day.  It's a banger.  Swear it...lol!

Well...thas it I guess!

{to be or not to be....Mrs. Amillie???}

Lighten up...pleez!

Some ppl dnt kno how 2 take things 4 wat they are.  If you happen 2 write sumthing about YOUR life and how ur tryna make YOURSELF better, they take it personally.  I honestly don't get that at all...wateva.  I have enuff goin on in my life than 2 sit up and make sure that wat I say duz'n offend this person or that person.  It's tiring.  

Wateva...

I'm currently single.  Not sure if we'll get back 2gether cuz tha decision is ultimately mine 2 make.  I love him...so very much.  He is tha only guy I've eva loved in this way...but he's gotta get it 2getha.  Maybe I do too...and thas wat tha purpose of this break-up is.  To give myself time 2 think and hopefully it'll give him time 2 mature.  He says that he's gonna prove it 2 me...get his ish 2getha.  One can only hope, right?

Anyway...I'm still saved...I think that if I hadn't rededicated my life back 2 God that Sunday, then this jus wud'a been so much harder 2 deal with.  I think I wud have literally been depressed.  I'm goin out wit tha wifey on her b-day.  This will be interesting seeing as I'm not gonna drink and we really don't even party like that anymore...so...we'll see.  I kno I'll have fun...I jus don't kno how it is 2 be around my frenz wen they're drunk and I'm not lol.  

I think all in all...I see a lot of growth in myself.  I learned not 2 tell everybody everything.  I learned not 2 sit up and baby everyone...cuz I'm not AlWAYS in tha wrong...I'm learning that I'm the most important person in mah life.  I do a lot for everyone and sumtimes 4get about myself.  I think this break-up cud'n have come at a better time.  And don't get me wrong. I'm sadder than that thang right now.  I'll prolly cry everyday 4 tha next month {thas tha deadline I'm giving myself} and I'll miss him like crazy....but it's wat I gotta do.  It jus it...gotta look out 4 Cristal.  Love is...on tha back burner right now.  Not tha most important thing so...thas it.  

Take it 4 wat it is....or don't.  Either way...I'ma be me!

Cristal

{to be...or not 2 be--Mrs. Amillie???}

A New Me!

I suddenly realized that mah life was headed in a wrong direction.  And it's a sad realization, but I came 2 it none the less.  Partying, drinkin and wateva else.  And I've wanted 2 change...jus didn't wanna give it up.  Wateva "it" is....But on Sunday @ church...it jus hit me.  The message was 2 me!  I've changed.  And it's not 4 tha better.  Not one bit.  Partying is fun.  Drinkin is fun.  But it's tha same thing.  Fun for a moment and then I'm wondering tha nxt day why I did it.  I had 2 realize there was something more than jus having fun FOR THA MOMENT!!  Wat about where I go after i leave here?? Wat kind of impression or legacy am I leaving? A girl who parties and drinks simply 2 feel good 4 tha moment.  Wats that about?? Not much at all.  I gotta be a role model.  Gotta do something different.  Cuz trust and believe there are a billion and one more girls AND guys out there doin tha exact same thing.  And wat exactly duz that say about me??? That i'm follower.  I sit and think all tha time about how me and mah frenz wud go out and have way more fun wen we didn't even have one drop of liquor.  And now it seems like thas needed in order 2 have a good time.  It's so pointless cuz there's always words spoken that you didn't mean or something dumb that happens and you gotta apologize for it l8r on.  It's jus not cool.  

I'm jus sick of tha repetition.  There's gotta be something more 2 life.  Never mind tha fact that I'm getting older.  And I kno some will say, "We're young...we're having fun." But, there have been ppl in mah life that are tha same age as me and gone from here. It's not like they lived a hard life in tha streets...jus regular kids like me! And they're gone.  That cud have jus as easily been me.  And I kno 4 a fact that I wud not have gone 2 Heaven.  No matter how much church I went 2 or dancing 4 tha praise dance team, singing in tha choir...I kno I wud'n have went.  Bcuz...I wasn't living tha life of a Christian.  Or shud I say "living Christ-like" cuz everybody's a Christian now-a-days.  

There comes a point where there's GOTTA BE a separation.  And it may get lonely.  As of right now I can't say bcuz I haven't gotten that far, but I kno it'll get hard.  Frenz may not call me as much bcuz they think I'll be different or no fun.  But, thas sometimes wat it comes down 2.  Hopefully mah frenz aren't that way and will be supportive and not get mad cuz I don't wanna drink. Hopefully they'll say I'm taking tha grown-up approach 2 life.  And maybe they'll follow suit...maybe.  All I can speak 4 is me and that Cristal from Saturday is not tha Cristal I wish 2 be anymore.  I'm a new me! And I'm loving every minute of it.