I Decided...Part 1

Lol...there is not part 2, but I jus wanted 2 say that cuz of the obvious lol.  But anyhoo...I decided. And I decided that I want him in mah life.  I jus can't be without him.  And I kno it sounds crazy for someone so young and all that he has put me thru. But, I guess that wen you kno...you kno.  And if anyone has ANYTHING to say about it. Well...they can talk 2 themselves, cuz I ain't hearing it.  Yes and I think needless 2 say, if he screws up again it WILL be it.  And I mean that with tha utmost. And I think he understands that better than anyone.  It didn't take long at all 4 him 2 change it around.  I definitely notice it.  And it's crazy cuz he's still where he is and I'm still here, but jus talkin 2 him, I can tell.  But, all I can do is w8 and see.  I think he gets it this time.  Cuz there was a point wen I was definitely like, "No, I'm done." I guess thas wat scared him ish-less.  And thas wen he went on that whole drinkin binge.  And even after that, I was kinda like I don't really want this anymore.  But, it came 2 me so clear one day.  I think listening to a Keri Hilson song, "Where Did He Go?" In the song she talks about how she made a mistake in letting him go and she had to deal with that decision years later and now she's missing him.  I didn't want that to be me.  I can't let that be me.  Cuz regardless of the bull.  I kno wat I felt and I kno wat was real.  I kno that our love was without a doubt, real! So, yea...I decided.  And even tho we're not technically together, he's still mah heart.  The very piece that completes me.  I love him...more than that simple 3 worded phrase cud ever express. He is mah all.

Umm...besides that. Still very much saved and in love with God...FIRST AND FOREMOST.  I think that the breakup allowed me to become much closer to Him.  I don't wanna leave him out of my life anymore.  Thas wen things start to go wrong.  But, yea...I definitely don't have the urge 2 jus WANNA go party and drink or wateva else.  I'm so very over that.  For those who party, more power to you.  Not knocking it for you, it jus ain't for me!

I'm in love with mah life right now.  Not very many ppl can say that.  Most are fronting like they are really happy, but they're hiding it with something else.  I can genuinely say that I am content with mah life.  With the homebody that I am and not needing anything else than wat I have! In a few more months, mah love will be able 2 move up here with me for good, I'm trusting and believing in God to make this happen in the music industry for me, and me and mah ma are closer than ever.  It's a great time 4 me.  And I kno that it will only continue to go up! yep!!

To BE...Mrs. Amillie.

Always and forever. Ain't no one takin that from me!

A New Me!

I suddenly realized that mah life was headed in a wrong direction.  And it's a sad realization, but I came 2 it none the less.  Partying, drinkin and wateva else.  And I've wanted 2 change...jus didn't wanna give it up.  Wateva "it" is....But on Sunday @ church...it jus hit me.  The message was 2 me!  I've changed.  And it's not 4 tha better.  Not one bit.  Partying is fun.  Drinkin is fun.  But it's tha same thing.  Fun for a moment and then I'm wondering tha nxt day why I did it.  I had 2 realize there was something more than jus having fun FOR THA MOMENT!!  Wat about where I go after i leave here?? Wat kind of impression or legacy am I leaving? A girl who parties and drinks simply 2 feel good 4 tha moment.  Wats that about?? Not much at all.  I gotta be a role model.  Gotta do something different.  Cuz trust and believe there are a billion and one more girls AND guys out there doin tha exact same thing.  And wat exactly duz that say about me??? That i'm follower.  I sit and think all tha time about how me and mah frenz wud go out and have way more fun wen we didn't even have one drop of liquor.  And now it seems like thas needed in order 2 have a good time.  It's so pointless cuz there's always words spoken that you didn't mean or something dumb that happens and you gotta apologize for it l8r on.  It's jus not cool.  

I'm jus sick of tha repetition.  There's gotta be something more 2 life.  Never mind tha fact that I'm getting older.  And I kno some will say, "We're young...we're having fun." But, there have been ppl in mah life that are tha same age as me and gone from here. It's not like they lived a hard life in tha streets...jus regular kids like me! And they're gone.  That cud have jus as easily been me.  And I kno 4 a fact that I wud not have gone 2 Heaven.  No matter how much church I went 2 or dancing 4 tha praise dance team, singing in tha choir...I kno I wud'n have went.  Bcuz...I wasn't living tha life of a Christian.  Or shud I say "living Christ-like" cuz everybody's a Christian now-a-days.  

There comes a point where there's GOTTA BE a separation.  And it may get lonely.  As of right now I can't say bcuz I haven't gotten that far, but I kno it'll get hard.  Frenz may not call me as much bcuz they think I'll be different or no fun.  But, thas sometimes wat it comes down 2.  Hopefully mah frenz aren't that way and will be supportive and not get mad cuz I don't wanna drink. Hopefully they'll say I'm taking tha grown-up approach 2 life.  And maybe they'll follow suit...maybe.  All I can speak 4 is me and that Cristal from Saturday is not tha Cristal I wish 2 be anymore.  I'm a new me! And I'm loving every minute of it.