I convinced myself that I was fine. The tears streaming down my face lets me know...I'm so clearly not!! When does this go away?? When does it stop hurting?? When will I stop crying? Stop caring?? WHEN?! I didn't do things right...I should have made a clean cut, instead I let him stay in my life. Maybe hoping. Maybe. I guess it's still that part of me that hopes he'll realize. And now I feel more than stupid that I bought him that gift & actually sent it. I know who he's talking to again. Smh...all it takes are those little comments on FB to see who wants to be noticed. "Look at me commenting on his stats again. Yeah we're talking again."

And it's as easy as that. Enough to send me right back to day one. Crying & carrying on. This is depressing, I know. But the only way I know how to get this out. I haven't contacted him since Sunday. That convo was it for me. Let me know just how over we were. His logic...astounding. shouldn't surprise me yet somehow it did. And pissed me off. But enough to finally say eff it. Move on little girl. But even the strongest Cristal can't take picturing him with someone else. Even my strongest self can't comprehend how it was all lie. A complete lie. And so I break down. Like it just happened to me minutes ago instead of weeks ago. The journal entry from the other day was a compilation of entries that first week. But this...this is all brand new. All me at this moment. And I wish it wasn't. Wish I didn't have to cry to myself & go out and pretend that I'm okay.

This is the worst time. His bday on Friday & I was supposed to be there with him. No doubt I'm gonna need the distractions that are taking place this weekend. But I wish I didn't need a distraction. That none of this was real. But my wishes never come true. Evident by the fact that I'm not with him. I just wanna cry one last time. But I know there will be many more nights like this one.

And that...is the worst realization.

-Crisi-

Broken.

Been gone for a really long time & so much has changed. But really just using this because I know none of my friends look at this anymore & I can get it all out sort of like my own journal since my laptop wants to act a fool.

Anywho...so here it is. I see that the last person I talked about was my long distance ex & since him I've stayed single. Yes there were guys & yes there were disappointments. But nothing I couldn't handle or get over. Then last year I decided enough was enough. Became celibate again & I was dedicated to God. Went into basic training for the air force & was finally on the right track with my life. But then I went to tech school at the beginning of the year & just had to be a guy who I knew I should stay away from but he wouldn't let me be. Was there everywhere I went & trying to get me...so I finally gave in. And I was happy. We were happy. They say don't start anything in tech school because it won't last & for the longest time whenever he'd ask i'd just say that I knew whatever we were was ending when I left ft sam. Then...we decided to make it work. Second mistake. The first was letting him in.

It only took 2 weeks for him to decide he didn't feel the same about me. Just two. How's that for self esteem, huh? That conversation...I can't even begin to describe how it went down. All I know is I felt hurt...betrayed...confused. how could you not even try? How?? You said you wanted this..and he did, he says. But if that were the case then why did it only take me leaving his sight to feel differently?

And now, here I am.

Broken...beyond repair.

This ending has broken me way more than I already have been. But no, I was healing. I was doing better. He was that patient preservationist who came in and piece by piece started to put me back together again. And for once, I felt loved (or what I thought was love), and I felt necessary, and I felt enough. FOR ONCE! But then he just had his fill. Got tired of putting the pieces back together I guess. It wasn't as much fun as before. It didn't bring the same joy it had before so he just...stopped.

Stopped trying, stopped caring. And got up and walked away. But not before he threw me on the ground and shattered me anew. And isn't that worse than before? Isn't it worse to re-break something (someone) than it is to continually break something that's just been broken? Does that make sense? Because when you start to fix something, then you shatter it again, it isn't just the old pieces you have to deal with, there are new fragments left behind now. Now what was broken before is in a million pieces when it was only thousands before. Now you've made things worse...way worse than it was before. And how can it be put back together now? Who would want to? That's too much work, too much patience to have. And who has that kind of patience these days? No one, I'm sure. Because, if the one person who had the patience to put a thousand pieces together gave up, certainly no one in their right mind would piece together such a mess.

I honestly never knew it could be so hard to get over a person. My everyday is filled with moments when I close my eyes and have a flashback of us. Or just sitting as someone talks to me and his face flashes before my eyes. I dream about him when that's the last thing I wanna do. I can't escape him no matter what I do.

And I try to make sense of this. But it doesn't & it never will. Because what we were...was greatness. And who just let's go of greatness?? What fool decides that "Oh this is amazing, but let me throw it away." ????

When will guys realize that throwing away GREATNESS in search of something greater will only lead to MEDIOCRITY?!

This...hurts. And there is no other term to describe it. It just...hurts. And I know one day I'll be fine. It's been like 3 weeks now & I'm doing so much better than day 1. Of course. It's a process & I will heal..eventually.

I just hope to be okay. And I know that sounds silly. Who wants to just be okay? But when you're heartbroken, even being "ok" seems like the hardest task. Just waking up & getting out of the bed seems to be the hardest thing you can think of. And just being okay doesn't even seem conceivable. But okay is on the way to being happy. And when you wake up and finally feel okay you know that down the road you'll meet up with happy somewhere. You'll see it & you'll catch up on times you've missed as if you've never lost a beat.

And one day I'll wake up. And it won't be so hard. I'll be able to look at his picture & maybe get sad when I think of what we used to be but not a heartbreaking sad just a sadness of loss. And then I'll feel...okay. And I'll smile because I know...

Happy is on the way.

-Crisi-